Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Coming Back

It's been a few years since I have posted anything on this blog.  Life got in the way.  Taking care of a spouse with Alzheimer's (If you read my other blog),consumed me.  And then the loss, the transition of always being a partner, having a partner to the singlehood of living.  When we are young, we embrace it for awhile and then we start to feel the void and we seek our mate. We embark on that journey of discovery, sometimes joy, sometimes disappointment but all the while we have that presence besides us, giving us the security (as dysfunctional as it can be, at times) of not being alone

Something remarkable happens, when you lose a spouse, partner if you will.   You begin to live in a different world.   Things, people, events that you took for granted change.   You are no longer a couple.  Therefore your social life changes and your circle of friends changes.   You seek out others who are single, who are also in that community of oneness.   Your attention shifts to events that are acceptable for a person of your new position.   The home that you both so lovingly shared and cared for becomes a singular concern.  You paint a room but there is no one to care or argue about what color it should be.  You have a sense of freedom but it is bittersweet.  

It is said, that some people age quickly and become emotionally paralyzed, when their life changes this way.  Some become lost, wandering around trying to find their internal compass, some are successful, some are not.

And some like me, embark on a tiny lifeboat, hoping for rescue, allowing life to sweep over them like a big wave.  Some one wrote, "The wind that blew it's warm wet tears upon my face in younger years, a companion still to me must be, as I toss about on life's turbulent sea."

I have been on that turbulent sea, and I have been rescued.   By me.   It's been slow to return to a safe haven.   The changes are still coming at me but I have found myself again.   I have revisited the person that I was.   She's still here, a little older, no make that a lot older.   Life is not getting in the way.  Life is about making the journey with another partner, one's self.

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